Archive for Pain

Spring Has Arrived!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2012 by dianaswonderworks

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Well, according to the calender spring is finally here. According to the weather it has been summer for about a week and now, more like winter again! Kind of a strange year I think, even though I am new to this area and can’t really base it on experience here. I can make a judgement on past experience in other places and on what I hear is normal for this part of the country. All seem to agree this is a very unusual winter and now spring as well.

Sorry it has been a while, been doing a lot of things to get my life and career on track, no great news so far. Things seem to be moving at a snail’s pace when all I want is for it to be over! Very typical of some one wanting and needing change, it never seems to happen fast enough. Then once it is over, we look back and seem to think it wasn’t so bad. Hind sight is 20/20, but memories and emotions are so easily altered! Guess it is a good thing, because if we did not have the ability to forget, pain, suffering and stresses in general, most of us would not have been born!

I have been working on some new art, while I still have the extra time. Unfortunately I have not taken pics of them yet, but they are on the way. Still trying to find steady and reliable work. I keep putting applications out there, going to interviews and so far no one around here is hiring for at least another month. I hope to broaden my search soon, at least once my car is able to be road worthy. Lots of hold ups, so I am spending my time not only looking for work, but also trying to make money in unconventional ways. Currently, I am working on a painting for a client, should be done in a few more days, I will also take a picture of it. That way you can see what I have been working on.

Life still goes on, and every day, I work really hard on visualizing the life I want, and keeping my mind heart and soul in the happiest place possible. Sounds like an excuse, it just seems some days are harder than others. I know it will get easier, once things really start moving in the direction I want them too. All and all, I am in a good place. Occasionally, there are a few people in my life, that seem bent on pushing me down, the difference now is, that I do not let it keep me down. Sometimes I even manage to slip by without it affecting me at all! That is a real accomplishment. I am ready for a  life where I am completely independent again, and I do not have to answer or accommodate anyone. Time for me to be free again! One thing I know for sure, is I was made this way, very  independent, therefore this cannot last much longer. We tend t create what we need the most. I am hardily working on this part of my life, so hard I am split too many ways sometimes. For now, this is my path until the right doors appear, and then I will work night and day to blow them wide open!

Anyway, haven’t checked my lottery ticket yet, I could be a millionaire right now! What a great way to start off the week! Hoping you are having a wonderful weekend and sending you my love as always, diana

 
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Wounded

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2011 by dianaswonderworks

I went for a walk today. Wondering through the trees, I felt peace and quiet well over me. As the stillness crept over me, my heart went back to yesterday and I began to yearn for things lost. Then out of the quiet I heard a whimper, and the grass moved. I looked around me, and saw there in the bushes a small rabbit. It wasn’t quite a baby, but it was young, new to this place we live in and helpless still, in many ways. When it saw me looking, it cowered back, shrinking back into the the brush behind the tree. I waited for a moment wondering, should I follow, go towards this little creature afraid of me. Then I wondered, is it hurt, does this tiny little rabbit need care or aide? My curiosity got the better of me, a common problem in my life and I moved forward. Very slowly, careful not to make a sound or any sudden moves, just in case it was hurting or that in its fear of me it would panic and hurt itself. Not wanting to carry that burden, I moved forward with caution, ever mindful of this tiny animal and its view of me.

I finally was close enough to to peer around the tree just enough to see the pile of branches and leaves that was hidden from my view earlier. I stopped, no sound came to my ears, my heat pumping rapidly, wondering “Did it run, and I not see it?” But, as I peered closely, and let my eyes adjust to the shadows, I saw it. At the same time it saw me, but this time it did not run, it started to shiver and shake. My heart felt sad, for fear is not what I intended. Then I saw in the darkness of the shade a wound on his leg. The back leg had a gash, the poor creature was scared and hurting, and probably too tired to run unless absolutely necessary. Slowly I backed up and found a tree further away to watch over it.

As soon as I stepped back it began to relax, it’s heart rate slowed, and it’s breathing calmed. Then after a few minutes it stretched out it’s leg and began to lick it’s wound. Slowly and carefully at first, and looking warily my way to make sure it was safe. Then as the wound was cleansed, more rapidly and diligently it cleaned itself and thoughts of me seemed to pass from it’s mind. I watched in awe, and feeling sadness and empathy for it’s pain and suffering. Then realizing, that this is the way of things. Pain will come and pass, we all suffer from it in some form or another. Like this little creature, we all need time to regroup, heal, find our strength and remember what we are capable of. Then like a shot of lightening, I realized this little creature was me. In this moment my wounds hurt, and cause me pain. I try to hide from all who would interrupt this process. It is my pain, it is real, no one but me needs to understand my process. It needs to be done, not only to heal, but to also grow and realize that some pain is avoidable and if I am smart enough and diligent enough, I can avoid some, and overcome all!

Hope you are having a wonderful day, sending my love as always, diana

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Another WOW Moment!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on October 1, 2010 by dianaswonderworks

Guess you have noticed a slip in my blogging lately. For the record, the abscess tooth is getting worse and I have been so very tired. I do apologize for those who do follow, for these lapses. Yesterday the pain spread far enough and got tough enough to cause me to have difficulty swallowing. By 4:30 I was getting very concerned since my liquid intake had been about one cup of fluids for the day. Not good, and is was not for lack of trying, the pain was so bad, I just found it almost impossible to swallow. So, here I am jobless and broke and just hoping some one can work with me, so I don’t have to die from blood poisoning.

Phone call, after phone call, and to my shock apparently dentists, do better than the banks, they open at 8:30 am or later and are closed by 4:oo pm or 4:30 pm, must be nice to make lots of cash and have such sweet hours! Any way, the few I was able to reach could not fit me in for almost two weeks, and recommended I go to the emergency room. Now, I am no genius, but emergency room visits are really expensive ( all I need right now is a huge hospital bill), and I do not recall going to one that does extractions. All a hospital would be able to do is bill me a bunch of money, to give me anti-biotics, and then I would still have the dental visits and billing to deal with. So, in the same breath they were telling me I needed to get treatment right away, they had no room at the Inn. Also, if I did go to the hospital, they could no get me in for weeks, the infection would be back by then and I would be in the same boat all over again, except this time I would be hundreds in the hole and still have the tooth to deal with. Crazy right? But wait, it does get better.

I finally reach some one who can deal with it, on a sliding scale, but I had to get in line early in the morning to wait. So crappy as I felt at 6:30 am, off I go to wait in line. Just my luck, no line, got in first at 8:00 am when they opened. The catch however is, they had no appointments available today and I had to book for Monday, not good, but better than two weeks, right? The receptionist then proceeds to tell me that I have to bring my Social Security card and License, and a current pay check. Now, that is a joke, I do not have a job. SO, I explain to this lady that I do not have a job and therefore no check stub. She then proceeds to tell me that since I cannot provide proof of income I will have to pay full price! Now, as you may guess I am a little irritated at this, not only is my face hurting, now you are going to talk stupid. I mean, how much sense does that make? So, I say to her, so basically what you are saying is, is that because I am unemployed, I have to pay more than some one working a minimum wage job, working part time. All because, I don’t get a check stub that says I make nothing, right!? Now if some one out there can rationalize this for me, I would love to hear it. As it is, I am basically disgusted. Now, I get why the poor get poorer!

All my love to you, hope you had a great Friday, as always, diana

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Stuff vs. People!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on August 11, 2010 by dianaswonderworks

Today I had an epiphany, so many things going wrong in my life and not understanding the why and what of it all. In discussion with the latest dead relationship in my life (a person). I realized that everyone of the relationships I have lost, is primarily based on selfishness, but even more specifically stuff! I realize that people or humans are inherently selfish. I guess I just never realized how bad it was. When people don’t get the stuff they want they throw people away like trash. It appears that bonds with people do not compare to bonds with stuff. I find this concept shocking. There has never been any kind of stuff that I value more than the love of a person dear to my heart. I give stuff away all the time, if some one touches my heart, especially if I am giving them something that, they love or find endearing. That is one of the reasons I love making things, it gives me great joy to bring a smile to some one’s face. I am coming to the realization that apparently people like me are a dying breed. That saddens me. I am not saying that it isn’t nice to have nice things, I am saying that if I had to choose between giving up things to be with some one I loved that the choice is not a choice, love would always win. I guess in my case, I am an artist and a hopeless romantic.

Today I will be working hard on some paintings, lots to do. I can only hope and pray, like every other day, that my work will be rewarded. Rewarded well and soon, is the hope. All these thoughts of greed and lovelessness, make me want to paint, and I think in some ways, make me more of a hermit. It isn’t as though I could actually be a hermit, I love to meet people too much, but the walls get thicker with time. Scared of what kind of pain some one can cause in my life. That is also a sad thought, because I know I am capable of so much love, locking it away seems such a shame. For now, however that is the best bet, concentrating on work and healing. Maybe one day I will be able to share it again, maybe then it will be some one who really appreciates it.

Have you ever seen hoarders? That is what I am talking about in the most extreme. These people do not even care for the suffering of their families, friends, they don’t even care about health issues, or the loss of connection with people. All they care about is their stuff! They slowly choke out the love of all those around them, and replace it with stuff. Like weeds gone wild in a beautiful rose garden. Eventually, the roses are long gone and even the weeds choke each other out. That is what I mean about sad, it is very sad. Some times I wish I could just shake sense into them. Unfortunately, we all have to come to these realizations on our own. No amount of talking, teaching, imploring will make some one understand the magnitude of those kinds of choices. They have to wake up alone and sad to realize what they have done to themselves and the pain they have inflicted on others. That is a bad day!

Okay, off the soap box for now. I did not win the lottery last night. Oh well, hopefully tonight will be better. Hoping sales will pick up online and in the craft show set up. This weekend will still be hot, but hopefully, with all the storms in the forecast, it will be more bearable and folks will be out shopping. I did two small paintings last night, but I am convinced they are lacking something, so no pictures of them today. An oldie but goodie will have to do for now. I am thinking sunshine to represent summer fun and a sunny heart, after such a dark winded blog. I think we all deserve to end on a happy note. The only heart I can change is my own, such it is, and always has,, and always will be! Grieving that loss and the birth of a new chapter, I am signing off for now. All my love to you all, diana

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