Seeing The Future!


Well, the new day has risen and a new week begins! Sometimes I wish I could see the future and know that it is all going to be okay. This is one of those times. Still no word on my car, no way to get a job and tomorrow, I will have to call to break my lease, giving me 30 days to get my things in order. It is a scary moment for sure. My hope still remains, that by some miracle, I will be able to remain in the home I have made for myself, at least until the lease ends in the spring. Based on the clouds in my life however, rain looks to be coming my way. The forecast is bleak. Now, I can hope that this storm will pass me, as many do in the real world, but the signs are definitely pointing in another direction. So hope I can, but getting the storm gear ready is not just an option. I must be prepared for the worst. That idea is exhausting, but a necessity no matter how tired I am from it.

Wishing to see past the clouds is a normal reaction to a stressful situation, but a frustrating one as well. Because the truth is, that no matter what my heart says. It is not like a movie, or a book, where I can read a head and see the whole picture in clarity. Gut feelings are a wonderful asset, and my gut tells me all will be well, actually better than well. But, when I open my eyes, I am still surrounded by clouds. When I close them again, I can still feel the happiness, but I cannot see that cloudless day, or what it looks like, or in what way I will feel the joy. The fear of the unknown still prevails, and it constantly wrestles with that feeling of hope and well being, making my mind a battle of wills. Who will prevail in the end, hope must, because the alternative is despair. That is not an option, so daily I fight those dark forces, and wait for the day, that this too shall pass.

Today, I will work some more on the drawing for the butterfly (Lupus) fundraiser, and hope to get good news about my car. Good news that it is ready to be picked up and that the cost is not going to wipe out what little money I have set back. I can hope, that once my car is returned that a job is forthcoming in an asap fashion. Delays and inaction, serve to create fear in my life and the sooner I can refocus on using that energy to be productive, the easier it will be to lift the heaviness from my heart. I am ready for that day, beyond ready. Internal peace is my hope for the next week and month or longer. I am ready for a moment to reflect on all of this, and put it to rest. Weariness tugs at my heart and soul, all I need is a good nap! A break in it all to rest and re-balance. Hope you are having a happy Monday, sending out my love to you as always, diana

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