Dreaming Of Love Lost and New Beginnings

It is late and I am thinking as I often do at night, when the world is quiet. So many people snug in their beds, some dreaming beautiful dreams, others contemplating bad decisions that led to sad days, others still oblivious to anything outside of their little bubbles. Common thoughts we all have them at one time or another. Tomorrow is lotto night again, and I think what would I do with that opportunity, would I stay myself and be true to who I am, would I lose control and become something better or worse than I am now? I think what would those that were in past chapters of my life, what would they think about it, and what would they think about me? Are they thinking of me now, as I sit here thinking of those days gone by?

I remember how it felt to love them, very clearly in my heart and my mind. I remember the sadness at saying goodbye, the pain of losing a best friend, confidant and lover in one fell swoop. But, with every goodbye, there were hellos, some came quickly and some took a lot of time, some have not even arrived yet. Even though those days are gone, and I do not dwell in those times, I remember them, like a grieving widow, mourning the loss of a life dreamed about. It is the same in so many ways and yet, the true sadness is the reality that it is so unnecessary, when those hearts still beat. Why do we ruin love, and turn it into fear, and anger? I would love to just say “How are you?”, I miss you!” and still be friends. Curiosity and wonder filling my thoughts and my dreams, wishing happiness and love, and sad for not being able to share it with them. I know that being alive demands the ability to say goodbyes, on multitudes of levels, and as exciting as seeing what new things those goodbyes will bring, it is always tinged with a hint of remorse and darkness. Maybe that is why the night brings these memories back to me, darkness attracts darkness, and with it the dreams of a new day and new adventures. The yin and the yang, night and day, happiness and sadness, love and indifference, wakefulness and dreams    and they all blur together sometimes, into such a muddled mess that it is hard to tell one thing apart from another.

One was my soul, the other half of me in thought and heart. Hearing his voice would calm me, and being close would make my heart race so fast I was sure I was going to die any second. I would have a thought and he would speak it. Than one day he was gone, ripped away from me and we never made it back to each other. Another man so sweet always made me smile and even through so many years together, we always loved to kiss and hold hands, always full of passion and definitely full of laughter. Such happy moments, and one day he became sad and I couldn’t find him anymore. I wonder, do they wonder of me, or am I alone in my wandering thoughts? So, I go back to my work and pour all this into another piece of art, and work until my eyes start to roll into the back of my head. Then I go off to bed and maybe they will visit my dreams and talk to me there, and maybe I will sleep all night without a thought of them. Either way it will not matter, because my heart will never forget the love I had for them and in some ways still do. My heart cannot forget the love it felt, because once felt how can it be forgotten? It is a memory in the very beating of it, like a thoughts lost in the signals of my brain. It can hide, but it is always there. Love to you all, sweet dreams, diana

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